Two Emotions

Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Lifestyles of Men and Women

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages
AGE... DRINK -

• 17: Winecoolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES -

• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT -

• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping

FAVORITE DRUG -

• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

• 17: "Burger King"
• 25: "Free meal"
• 35: "A diamond"
• 48: "A bigger diamond"
• 66: "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY -

• 17: tall, dark and handsome
• 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48: a man with hair
• 66: a man

HOUSE PET -

• 17: Muffy the cat
• 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
• 66: Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• 17: 17
• 25: 25
• 35: 35
• 48: 48
• 66: 66

IDEAL DATE -

• 17: He offers to pay
• 25: He pays
• 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66: He can chew breakfast

 
Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages
DRINK -

• 17: Beer
• 25: Beer
• 35: Scotch
• 48: Double scotch
• 66: Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE -

• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT -

• 17: Sex
• 25: Sex
• 35: Sex
• 48: Sex
• 66: Napping

FAVORITE DRUG -

• 17: Pot
• 25: Cocaine
• 35: Really good cocaine
• 48: Power
• 66: Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

• 17: Cop a feel
• 25: Breakfast
• 35: She didn't set back my therapy
• 48: I didn't bump into her kids.
• 66: An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY -

• 17: Thirdbase
• 25: Airplane sex
• 35: Menage a trois
• 48: Taking her company public
• 66: Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET -

• 17: Roaches (to be burned later)
• 25: Old college roommate
• 35: Irish setter
• 48: Children from her first marriage
• 66: Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED -

• 17: 25
• 25: 35
• 35: 48
• 48: 66
• 66: 17

IDEAL DATE -

• 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25: Split the check before we go back to my place
• 35: Just come over
• 48: Just come over and cook
• 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

What Women Would Do if They Had a Penis for a Day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......