Sex Jokes - Denied Sex Jokes
Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite. "He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!" The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea. So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him. "I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month." The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away. The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne. So she asks, "What's going on, dear?" "We're celebrating!" he replies. "Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks. "Anal sex week!"
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: "What was that for?" Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: "What the hell was that for this time?" Wife: "Your horse called."
There's a couple that has been dating for a while. As much as he wants to, she won't sleep with him, because she's saving her virginity for marriage. Just as they were kissing, he's becoming hotter and hotter, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel." To which she replies, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage!" They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?" She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage." He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more,and we'll stop after that." She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!" A little stunned, he says, "No no...absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office.
The doctor says to her "What's wrong, why don't you want to have sex with your husband?"
"Oh, that's easily explained." the wife says. "For the past six months, I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, "Are you going to pay today, or what?" So, I take an 'or what'. "Then, when I get to work, she continues, I'm late, so the boss asks me, are we going to write this down in the book, or what?" So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, "So, are you going to pay this time, or what?" Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore.
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. "Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man. "I'm going to Las Vegas", said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! The man said, "Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. "Where the heck are you going?", said the wife. The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"