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The best jokes and joke writers!

Dam Turkey

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some Dam Turkey. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Turkey" is the brand name of the bird and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some Dam Turkey from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Turkey brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Turkey." The son replies, "That's the spirit Dad, now will you please pass me the 'f**kin' mashed potatos?"

Spiked Watermelon

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

The Missionary!

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture. The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do math. He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives. They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree". The native repeats, "Tree". They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush". The native repeats the word, "Bush". They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple having sex. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does. The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?" And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act. The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people!  WHY did you kill those two people?!  I told you that they were riding a bicycle!" The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

Announcement Bloopers

  1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
  2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of Robert Joseph Granier, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Mildred Granier.
  6. This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Peabody to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Help the People

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.