Three old ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responds, "Well, I'm sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
Finding a House
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live." She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: Your Passin It!"
Top Two Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
1. You can wrap your own presents.
2. You are always meeting new friends.
Found Her Hearing Aid
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!
You Know You're Middle Aged If...
- You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
- The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
- You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
- You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
- You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
- You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
- Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
- You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
- You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
- You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
- As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
- You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
- You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
- Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
- The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
- You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
- You know what Earth Shoes are.
- You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
- Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
- On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.