Chinese and Spielberg
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here!"
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese!" "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me!"
The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same!"
Girls Prep School Social
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
Back From the Dead
An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened? "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"
Black and Jewish
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
Short Guide To Religions
- Taoism: Shit happens.
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
- Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
- Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
- Hinduism: This shit happened before.
- Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
- Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
- T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
- Atheism: No shit.
- Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
- Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
- Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
- Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
- Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
- Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!