Short Guide To Religions
- Taoism: Shit happens.
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
- Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
- Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
- Hinduism: This shit happened before.
- Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
- Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
- T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
- Atheism: No shit.
- Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
- Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
- Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
- Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
- Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
- Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell. Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty. Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out "Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"
The Minister's Joke
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the and praying?" "For about 50 years." "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
How to Break Up A Crowd
A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.
He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"