Relationship Jokes - Marriage Jokes

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

A woman goes to a psychic and contacts her recently dead husband. “Are you happy?” asks the woman. “Yes,” says the husband. “I’m in a field surrounded by beautiful cows.” “Can you see any angels?” asks the woman. “No, but there’s a prize-winning cow standing in front of me. A real stunner.” “Have you seen God?” asks the woman. “No,” replies the husband. “But the cows are really, really fantastic.” “Why do you keep going on about cows?” shouts the woman. “Sorry,” says the husband, “I forgot to mention – I’m in Wisconsin. I’ve come back as a bull.”

Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?

A: "I'll fix it."

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.

I accidentally gave her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation  "I now pronounce you man and wife."