Storm Damage

So last Saturday I'm at home watching TV when my phone rings. " Hello, who's this?" I answer. "Hi it's Margery, I'm your brother's next door neighbor. He's on vacation and asked me to keep an eye on his house and gave me your number as an emergency contact.  We've just had a terrible rain storm here and a large tree just fell on his roof.  It looks pretty bad and rain water is pouring into his house."
See my brother lives in New Jersey but was vacationing in Europe. So I said, "Well, I live 3 hours away but his daughter has a key and lives nearby. I'll call her and get her over there."
But here's the thing, his daughter works for a 1-900 phone sex company and I didn't have her mobile number so I had to call her at work!
So when I finally get her on the phone she says, "Hello big boy, what can I do for you tonight?" "Sorry Lucy, I'm definitely not looking for any phone sex, it's your uncle Lee. I've got some bad news, a tree fell on your dad's house and the rain is pouring in."
"Oh my god!' She said, "That's terrible, I'll drive over when my shift is finished."
I was relieved to have fixed the problem but I hadn't seen Lucy in a while so I asked her how she had been, that was a huge mistake! I forgot how much Lucy could talk, she talked non stop for two whole hours!
The next day I got an email alert from my cell phone company about that said I spent $95 with a 1-900 service.
Well I was furious, so that night I called Lucy again and explained what had happened. "Oh Lee that's terrible, I'll talk to my boss and get that charge reversed for you."
"Thanks Lucy that's great," I replied.
But trying to be polite I stupidly asked her, "So how did it go at your dads? How bad was it?"
I know, I'm stupid! This time she talked for 3 whole hours. And the next day I got another email alert from the cell phone company.  This time the bill was for $142.50.
So the next day I called her up again and... Ah fuck it, my wife didn't believe me either.

Get Married

Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Good Fairy

Ben and Jill are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years. One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.” The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.” “Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Ben without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.