You're Next!

I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, "You're next." So I started doing the same to them at funerals, "You're next."

Blonde - Phone Call

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Valentine Breakfast

The old couple were celebrating Valentine's day after 50 years of marriage. They were sitting at the breakfast table when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting there naked as a jaybird, too!" "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."  Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I'm not surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"