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CIA Assassin Interview

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."  The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."  The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!" The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."  Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Additional Business One-Liners

  • Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. 
  • Enough research will tend to support your theory.
  • Entropy has us outnumbered.
  • Error is often more earnest than truth. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
  • Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
  • Even paranoids have enemies.
  • Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
  • Every solution breeds new problems.
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Deep Stuff

Q: Why does the NSA hate blizzards?

A: Because they get Snowden.

Monkey Organization

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied.  Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."