Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?'' And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'' Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.'' Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'' Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Female Translator

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
• We need = I want...
• It's your decision = correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive = is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so = want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
• (In response to "What's wrong?")The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

The Rules ... by Men

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.