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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ponderings Collection 34

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?

Marriage Quotes

  • All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
  • Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
  • Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
  • It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
  • May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
  • May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
  • May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
  • Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
  • The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
  • There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Dress to Kill

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.  Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Tombstone Epitaph VIII

Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist.  All dressed up and no place to go.

Cat and Coin

Q: How is a cat laying down like a coin?

A: Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!