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The best jokes and joke writers!

Office Woes

Couldn't believe all the shit on my desk this morning.

My co-workers really don't like me.

Common Sense Business Lines

  • Common sense is not so common.
  • Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
  • Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
  • Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
  • Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
  • Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
  • Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
  • Confusion creates jobs.
  • Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
  • Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't. 

Wise Business One Liners

  • Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
  • Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
  • Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
  • Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
  • Take this job and shove it.
  • Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
  • Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
  • That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
  • The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance 

As the Business Lines Go

  • As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
  • As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
  • Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
  • Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
  • At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
  • Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
  • Bad news drives good news out of the media.
  • Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.
  • Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
  • Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. 

Business One Liners - There is No

  • There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
  • There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
  • There is no limit to how bad things can get.
  • There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
  • There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
  • There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
  • There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
  • There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
  • There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
  • There is no such thing as instant experience.
  • There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.