A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Explaining His Claim
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, what the heck would you have said to him?"
Helen Keller's Ear
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: Answering the iron.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Q: Why don't blind people like to skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog!