For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!" Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."
Believing in Leprechauns
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him. Turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun. "Don't jump," she said, "I'll grant you three wishes.". "Right," he said
"My first wish is to have $100,000." She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount." He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back." She replied, "They will be there when you get home." He then said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome." She again replied, "When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."
But then the ugly little leprechaun added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me." He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again. She said, "What age are you?". He replied, "I'm forty." She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"
Genie and Mother-in-law
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice. The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, "That's ok." The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "That's okay." The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!
The Bear and The Rabbit
A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes." The bear says "I wish that all of the bears in the forest were females." **POOF** It is done.The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." **POOF** It is done. The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." **POOF** It is done.The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." **POOF** It is done. The bear thought to himself "Why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things?" Finally, the bear says "For my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." **POOF** It is done. The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I wish for the bear to be gay" and he rode off on his motorcycle.