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The best jokes and joke writers!

Greek Navy

Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy?

A: Rear Admiral!

US Air Force Humor!

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Soldier Stands Guard

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Chill Out

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a  local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the  Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady,  trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.  Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

A New Lieutenant

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" " Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."