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The best jokes and joke writers!

Chill Out

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a  local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the  Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady,  trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.  Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Redneck One Liners Continued

You might be a redneck if...

  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" 

Clinton Strikes Again

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

9/11 and A Cow

Q: What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

A: You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.