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The best jokes and joke writers!

Army Rules

Q: What are the two main rules in the Army?

  1. The commanding officer is always right.
  2. If the commanding officer is not right, see #1

Dangerous Things in the Army

A private saying, “I learned this in boot camp…”

A Sergeant saying, “Trust me, sir…”

A Second Lieutenant saying, “Based on my experience…”

A Captain saying, “I was just thinking…”

A Warrant Officer chuckling, “Watch this shit…”

Course Change

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.  Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

Red Shirt

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

Sick and Pompous General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room. His meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon, an orderly entered the room.

"Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.

The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew

.An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"