Funny Thoughts

• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• You'll never be the man your mother was!
• Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
• Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
• Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
• Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
• God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Push

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ...Push!"

Cooking With The Bible

Newlyweds Kaitlyn and Brandon were having an argument about who should brew the coffee. Brandon said, "You're in charge of cooking, so you should do it." Kaitlyn replied, "No, you should do it because it says in the Bible that the man makes the coffee." Brandon was shocked to hear this and asked his beautiful new blonde wife to show him the passage. Full of excitement, Kaitlyn ran to the Good Book to prove for the first time how wrong her new husband was. She opened the Bible and pointed to where it said: "HEBREWS"