Christmas Gifting

My wife asked me to get her "bath stuff" for Christmas.
I sure hope she likes her new toaster.

Ponderings Collection 14

• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
• After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
• This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a firetruck.
• I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
• The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
• I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
• Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
• The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).