Impressive Jobs

When I'm trying to impress a girl, I tell her I work in the oil business for one of the world's biggest companies.
Sounds better than "I make the fries at McDonalds"

RIP Mom

My girlfriend throws up whenever she thinks about her dead mother.
I reckon it's mourning sickness

On Time

My grandad lost a lung during the war.
That's why he was fired from his medical courier job.