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The best jokes and joke writers!

Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Boy explained, "so I'm looking for the seal!"

Truck Driver

A trucker stopped at a local Denny's restaurant and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The new blonde waitress didn't want to appear stupid so she went to the kitchen and asked the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is  for two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon." It's a special trucker version of our 'Grand Slam Breakfast'. "Oh, Okay." said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!!"

Ponderings Collection 34

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?

Grandma's Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks, "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel."

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!"

Fruit Flop

Q: What happened when the fruit truck flipped-over?

A: There was a huge traffic-jam !