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The best jokes and joke writers!

Top 10 Colonoscopy Jokes

  1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
  2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
  3. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
  4. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
  5. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
  6. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
  7. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
  8. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
  9. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
  10. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
  2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
  3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
  4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
  5. Sing along at the opera
  6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
  7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
  8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
  9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
  10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Chocolate Better than Sex?

  1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Victorias Secret Taboos

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks, just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!

2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

Bad Things To Include in Your Resume

  1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
  2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
  3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
  4. I know where you live.
  5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
  6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
  7. Happy faces.
  8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
  9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.