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The best jokes and joke writers!

Trick or Treat!

Top ten reasons why trick or treating is better than sex:

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) You can do the whole neighborhood.

10 Signs You Have Cyber Sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!

Better than Sex?

  1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Pet Resolutions

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!

Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.