Top 10 Lists
Signs You Are A Loser
- Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
- All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
- Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.
- You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.
- Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
- Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
- Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"
- You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
- The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
- You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.
New Year Resolutions for Pets
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
- On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
- Sing along at the opera
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
- When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
- Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
- Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
- Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"
The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline
- The engine's being held on by duct tape.
- You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
- In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
- Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
- Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
- As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".
- The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
- The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club... and "she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
- Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
- You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet.
Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes
10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!
9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!
8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!
7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!
6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!
5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!
4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!
3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!
2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!
1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!