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The best jokes and joke writers!

Star Wars Update Changes

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.

#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).

#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).

#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.

#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.

#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".

#4 Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.

#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"

#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.

#1 Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station" Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"

Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes

10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!

9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!

8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!

7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!

6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!

5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!

4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!

3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!

2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!

1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
  2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
  3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
  4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
  5. Sing along at the opera
  6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
  7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
  8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
  9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
  10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Better than Sex?

  1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Bad Things To Include in Your Resume

  1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
  2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
  3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
  4. I know where you live.
  5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
  6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
  7. Happy faces.
  8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
  9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.