Top 10 Lists
Murphy's Law Regarding Children
- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
- Toys multiply to fill any space available.
- The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
- If the shoe fits.. it's expensive.
- The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
- The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent.. sometimes.
Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes
10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!
9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!
8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!
7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!
6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!
5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!
4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!
3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!
2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!
1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
- On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
- Sing along at the opera
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
- When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
- Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
- Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
- Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"
Better than Sex?
- Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- Good chocolate is easy to find.
- You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
- With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Bad Things To Include in Your Resume
- I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
- I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
- I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
- I know where you live.
- Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
- I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
- Happy faces.
- By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
- I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.