We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Murphy's Law Regarding Children

  1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
  2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
  3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
  4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
  5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
  6. If the shoe fits.. it's expensive.
  7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
  8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
  9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
  10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent.. sometimes.

Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes

10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!

9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!

8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!

7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!

6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!

5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!

4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!

3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!

2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!

1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
  2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
  3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
  4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
  5. Sing along at the opera
  6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
  7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
  8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
  9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
  10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Better than Sex?

  1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Bad Things To Include in Your Resume

  1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
  2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
  3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
  4. I know where you live.
  5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
  6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
  7. Happy faces.
  8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
  9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.