Top 10 Lists
Better than Sex?
- Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- Good chocolate is easy to find.
- You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
- With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
- On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
- Sing along at the opera
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
- When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
- Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
- Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
- Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"
Victorias Secret Taboos
TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!
And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:
1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!
Top 10 Colonoscopy Jokes
- 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
- 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
- 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
- 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
- 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
- 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
- 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
- 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
- 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
- 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Top Ten April Fool's Pranks
10. Put sugar into the salt shaker.
9. Text your friends - tell them you lost your phone and ask them to call you.
8. Replace the contents of the hand-sanitizer with KY lubricant.
7. Saran wrap the toilet bowel. (oldie but goodie)
6. Use a rubber-band to close the lever on the kitchen sink sprayer. The next person to use the sink will get a surprise.
5. Print out a fun message and tape it to the bottom of your victim's coffee cup
4. Fill glazed donuts with mayonnaise. Leave them out in the break room.
3. Take an empty paper towel roll. Get it wet, tear it up and squeeze it back together into the shape of a turd. Place appropriately.
2. Cut out a post-it note that fits under your victim's mouse. Add appropriate message.
1. Find a co-conspirator. Connect an extension cord to a desk or floor lamp. Have your partner stand ready to plug it in and out nearby. Bring the victim into the room to show them your new voice-activated light. Make up a silly word that you use to turn on the light: "Ah Cheto On". Explain that it there are still some bugs - sometimes you have to say the activation word loudly to make it work. Let your victim try it and be amazed. Encourage your victim to demonstrate your new voice activated light to the boss - watch them start yelling the activation word with no success.