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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs You Are A Loser

  1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
  2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
  3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.
  4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.
  5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
  6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
  7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"
  8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
  9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
  10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.

New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
  2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
  3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
  4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
  5. Sing along at the opera
  6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
  7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
  8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
  9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
  10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Bad Airline

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

  1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
  2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
  3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
  4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
  5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
  6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program". 
  7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
  8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club... and "she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
  9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
  10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet.

Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes

10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!

9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!

8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!

7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!

6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!

5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!

4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!

3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!

2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!

1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!