Top 10 Lists
Top Ten Indicators that a Redneck Has Been Working on Your Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes
10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!
9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!
8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!
7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!
6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!
5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!
4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!
3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!
2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!
1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
- On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
- Sing along at the opera
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
- When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
- Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
- Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
- Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"
Better than Sex?
- Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- Good chocolate is easy to find.
- You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
- With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Bad Things To Include in Your Resume
- I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
- I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
- I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
- I know where you live.
- Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
- I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
- Happy faces.
- By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
- I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.