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The best jokes and joke writers!

Mother's Day Wind Down

On Mothers Day, the mother of three little kids was showered with kisses, hugs, cheerios for breakfast in bed, dandelions from the yard, and crayon drawings. As much as she loved it, all the activity made the house a bigger mess than usual. After a long day, she finally got the kids in bed. All she wanted to do was clean up and relax.

She put on an old gown from the back of the closet, went into the bathroom and coated her face with thick, white facial cream. Then she started washing her hair.

But the kids were not settling down. She could hear them talking, giggling, jumping on the beds. Finally in exasperation she wrapped her head in a towel, ran into their bedroom and sternly told them to calm down and go to sleep.

After she left, she overheard the youngest one ask, “Who was that?”

Televsion 800 Number

We were watching this commercial on television. Commercial said, 'If you're having problems with your mama whipping you, call this 800 number.' I called that number. My mama answered the phone.

Grocery Shopping

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "I'm Ellen, the little shit's name is Tammy."

You Might Be a Redneck 44

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Your mom calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

Make Him Happy

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy". The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck...Mother,  the bride-to-be interrupted, "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!"