Q: Can your mother predict the future with cards?
A: Yes! She takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Shark Week - Father Knows Best
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sinking ship. " Follow me son," the father shark said and they swam to the mass of people. " First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing " And they did. " Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing " And they did. " Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
"Dad, I'm hungry."
"Hello hungry, I'm Dad."
"Dad, I'm serious."
"I thought you were hungry?"
"You're kidding me!"
"No, I'm Dad."
There once was a man who was going to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theater. When the movie was over, he went to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long line. He figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.'' He agrees, despite his situation. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. ''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''
My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.
"Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!"
Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.
"Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."
Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on.
The frog called out to him again, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."
Dad replied, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!"