Medical Technology Advances
A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology from their countries. "In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks." "That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday."
"That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole from Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!"
Measurement of a Pole
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
Ball Point Pen
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians use a pencil.
Touring guide for Northerners Visiting the South
Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States. If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
- You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
- Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised that, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
- When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun. "Can I help you sir?" asked the shopkeeper. "Ah, yes... I want to buy a .44 Magnum please." The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he's going to use it for. The man replies, "I want to shoot cans!" "What? Cans! You don't need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do," advised the shopkeeper. The customer has enough and finally says, "Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag... I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!"