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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bar Translations

  1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
  2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
  3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
  4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
  5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
  6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
  7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
  8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
  9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
  10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Grapes

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

Accidental Meeting

A woman and a man get into a bad car accident.  Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, I'm a woman, neither of us were hurt but both of our cars were demolished!  This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The woman then hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink".  The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?".   The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police."

Sunday Sermon

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said, "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!

The Wine Taster

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."