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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs And Notices 15

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
  • Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
  • Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
  • Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
  • Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
  • Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
  • Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
  • Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Same Response

My wife often complains to me when she's drunk. Last night she complained when she was sober.

Non alcoholic whine.

Grapes

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

Accidental Meeting

A woman and a man get into a bad car accident.  Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, I'm a woman, neither of us were hurt but both of our cars were demolished!  This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The woman then hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink".  The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?".   The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police."

Sunday Sermon

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said, "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!