Worms and Alcohol
A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said, "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
McTavish is on his death bed. He calls over his friend Hamish and says, “I have a bottle of 25-year-old whisky under my pillow. When I’m dead would you do me a kindness and pour it over my grave?” “Of course I will,” replies Hamish. “Though I might be passing it through my kidneys first.”
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the bartender, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys." Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are." "Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job." Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you." Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
Three Women Give Nicknames
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about. The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion. "Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'". "Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals. "Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" replies the first lady. The second lady then muses a bit and says, "I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'." "Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?" "Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well," the second lady says. Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, "And, what will you name your husband, sister?" "I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels'," she said. "Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!""That's my LeRoy!", the third woman responds.