The worst racist joke
So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck. One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking. Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself "If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser". So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher "Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker". The preacher turns to Bubba and says "No son, but I got him with the door."
His first church visit!
After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!" The man said, "I'm sorry reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!" The reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"! The man said, "Okay reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!" And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said, "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hypocrites are gone."
In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said, "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
An Irish daughter, gone for five years, comes home for New Year's Eve. Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Day on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."