Man On Bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said, "Sin?"
Short Guide To Religions
- Taoism: Shit happens.
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
- Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
- Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
- Hinduism: This shit happened before.
- Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
- Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
- T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
- Atheism: No shit.
- Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
- Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
- Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
- Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
- Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
- Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Johnny in Church
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Little Johnny and the Preacher's Lost Skill
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked, and pulled, and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you!"