Car Saw a Ghost
Q: Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
A: It had a nervous breakdown!
A woman and a man get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, I'm a woman, neither of us were hurt but both of our cars were demolished! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The woman then hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink". The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?". The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police."
Penguins on Tour
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says, "Fill it up, please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins. "Hey Buddy," says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't be happy like this... they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something.." The motorist agrees to do so.
The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once again the attendant sees the penguins sitting in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels... "What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?"
The driver says, "I did... and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach."
Obey the Speed Limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a hundred."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doc said.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."