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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs And Notices 15

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
  • Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
  • Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
  • Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
  • Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
  • Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
  • Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
  • Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Bar Translations

  1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
  2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
  3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
  4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
  5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
  6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
  7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
  8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
  9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
  10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Christmas Wine

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: "I don't like sprouts!"

A Babtist and a Catholic Preacher

A Baptist preacher and a Catholic priest are driving out on a road. The Catholic priest sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the Catholic priest. They step out of their cars, and begin talking. "Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher. While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time. "You know, I never understood why Catholic priests don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood." The Catholic priest responds, "Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead." "I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops." "Oh, no I couldn't, replies the Catholic, but after pressuring him, the Catholic priest soon agrees. The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The Catholic priest drinks it down quickly. "That wasn't that bad, you're right," the Catholic priest says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?" "Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come though."