" Alcohol kills slowly " So what? Who's in a hurry?
You're Getting Sleepy
Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting an idea in the drinker's head. It's a sobering thought.
There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. One day they came across a ladder and climbed up it, as one does. At the top of the ladder there was a genie and she said: "As you go down this slide, shout out whatever you want to land in..." So the Englishman shouted "Beeeeeeer." The Scotsman shouts "Whisssskey." And the poor old Irishman shouted, "Weeeeeeeee!"
10 Signs You Party Too Much
1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.