Alcohol Jokes - Others

A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Panic.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer. 1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin. 2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever. 3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling. 4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import. 5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being. Question answer values For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points. Results For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning. For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up. For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury. For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up. For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

"Google will tell you that the number one sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I feel that the number one sign of alcoholism is having to Google 'number one sign of alcoholism.'