Alcohol Jokes

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask "Now what'd you go and do THAT for?" The Texan just drawled "Where I come from, we got a lot of those."

Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out, "Where I come from, we've got a lot of those."

Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that. "Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle's worth a nickel."

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. "I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day." The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night. "The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?" She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.'" "Why? Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know. "Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"

An Irishman and Mormon were seated next to each other on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The Irishman asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the Mormon if he would also like a drink. The Mormon replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."