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The best jokes and joke writers!

Jump Off Genie

A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!" "So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!" "So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"

War is War

During World War II a group of German soldiers capture a French village. “Hand over all your food,” says the German officer to the Mayor . “But all we have left is a few scraps of bread,” protests the Mayor. “War is war,” replies the officer. “Hand it over.” After the Germans have eaten, the officer says, “Now give us your wine.” “We have nothing but a single bottle,” says the Mayor. “Tough,” says the officer. “Hand it over. War is war.” Once the Germans have drunk the wine, their officer says, “Now we want women. Hand over every girl in the village.” “But we have none,” replies the Mayor. “They have all fled. The only woman left is Madame Blanc, and she is over 90 years old.” “We don’t care,” says the officer. “War is war. Hand her over.” So the Mayor brings out Madame Blanc, who slowly starts taking off her clothes. The German officer gulps as he watches the old woman undress, “Uh, look, on second thought, we won’t bother…” he says. “Not so fast, Fritz,” replies Madame Blanc, dropping her underwear, “War is war.”

Building the Chunnel

As the UK and French governments began plans for the Chunnel (English Channel Tunnel), they realized they didn't have the ability to build it themselves, so they put the project out for bid.  Three teams: a German team, a Japanese team, and an Irish team submitted proposals and were asked to present their proposals to the selection committee.

The German team led off the presentations, with their main selling point being their engineering prowess.  The german presenter showed their latest generation tunnel boring machines with laser guided accuracy, impressing the committee.  The german concluded his presentation saying, "For  2 billion Euros, Ve will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and one vear later we will meet in the middle vit and be less than 1 meter off!"

The Japanese had a tough act to follow, but they knew their process quality techniques and enhanced productivity were better.  The Japanese presenter showed their latest tunnel boring machines with advanced radar, their acumen in statistical process control, then bowed and stated, "For 1.8 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and 9 months later, we will meet in the middle and be less than 1 centimeter off!"

The Irish team knew they were in trouble, but really believed in the work ethic of their people, so they decided to pitch their strengths.  The Irishman looked the committee in the eyes as stated, "For 1 billion Euros and 40,000 kegs of Guinness, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, hic, and if we don't meet in the middle you'll get TWO tunnels for the price of ONE!"

Flying to Frankfurt

The following is supposedly a true story. The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Delta) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

Wartime Confessions

This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession. The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?'' The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful German girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.'' The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.'' The old guy says, ''Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?''