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The best jokes and joke writers!

Building the Chunnel

As the UK and French governments began plans for the Chunnel (English Channel Tunnel), they realized they didn't have the ability to build it themselves, so they put the project out for bid.  Three teams: a German team, a Japanese team, and an Irish team submitted proposals and were asked to present their proposals to the selection committee.

The German team led off the presentations, with their main selling point being their engineering prowess.  The german presenter showed their latest generation tunnel boring machines with laser guided accuracy, impressing the committee.  The german concluded his presentation saying, "For  2 billion Euros, Ve will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and one vear later we will meet in the middle vit and be less than 1 meter off!"

The Japanese had a tough act to follow, but they knew their process quality techniques and enhanced productivity were better.  The Japanese presenter showed their latest tunnel boring machines with advanced radar, their acumen in statistical process control, then bowed and stated, "For 1.8 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and 9 months later, we will meet in the middle and be less than 1 centimeter off!"

The Irish team knew they were in trouble, but really believed in the work ethic of their people, so they decided to pitch their strengths.  The Irishman looked the committee in the eyes as stated, "For 1 billion Euros and 40,000 kegs of Guinness, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, hic, and if we don't meet in the middle you'll get TWO tunnels for the price of ONE!"

Flying to Frankfurt

The following is supposedly a true story. The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Delta) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

Wartime Confessions

This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession. The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?'' The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful German girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.'' The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.'' The old guy says, ''Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?''

Granny Rules

My Grandad was wounded by a German during the war

Granny Schneider found him in bed with another woman and shot him

The Irishman at Auschwitz

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar.  Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is.

Mick says, "Well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the Auschwitz concentration camp."

Patrick says, "That's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "No, he fell out of the machine gun tower."