Girls Night Out

The other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, then got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

The Lawyer's Translation

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.  "But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.  
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.  "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"

Precision Tune-Up

So there's this very successful doctor who, after decades of work in the local hospital as chair of the OB/GYN department, decides that malpractice insurance is too high, and managed care payments are too low, so he retires. After three days of hanging around the house, the wife tells him to do something with his life, so he goes to the local trade school because he always wanted to work on sports car engines. He progresses quickly through the course and a month later he's elated when takes the final exam (which is to tear down and rebuild a Corvette engine), and he's given a 150 point score.

Puzzled, he asks the instructor for an explanation.
"Well," says the instructor, "you completely disassembled the old engine without losing or breaking any parts, so that earned you a '50' point score. Then you cleaned and reassembled everything correctly, so that's worth another '50' points."
So the doctor asks, "And what about the additional '50' points?"
The instructor said, "Well, I thought you deserved extra credit, because I've never seen anyone do it all through the exhaust pipe before."