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The best jokes and joke writers!

Creeper

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now.

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop.  That's quite impressive for her age.

Realizing Your Age

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one... 

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school. 'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

Visit to the Brothel

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..." Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

They Used To Be...

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," said the patient with remorse

You Can Do Better

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three," the man replied. "You should be doing better than that," the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month."

The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times," the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."