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The best jokes and joke writers!

Air Trouble

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We're currently flying at an altitude of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port engines have fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and our flight attendant. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Bad Airline

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

  1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
  2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
  3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
  4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
  5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
  6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program". 
  7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
  8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club... and "she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
  9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
  10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet.

Where Am I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.  People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.  After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position? The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!"

A No-Frills Airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

  • They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
  • All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
  • Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
  • If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
  • You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
  • Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
  • The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
  • When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
  • The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
  • You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
  • No movie. Don't need one.
  • Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
  • You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
  • All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. 

New Slogans For Value Jet

  • When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
  • We're Amtrak with wings.
  • Join our frequent near-miss program.
  • On flights, every section is a smoking section.
  • Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
  • Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
  • Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
  • Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
  • Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
  • The kids will love our inflatable slides.
  • You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
  • Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
  • Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
  • We may be landing on your street.
  • Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
  • Bring a bathing suit.
  • Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
  • That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
  • Find out there really is a God.
  • A real man lands where he wants to.