Ponder These

• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
• Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
• What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
• Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL ALL MEN ARE WAITING FOR

• Cover charge: $15.00
• Round of drinks: $23.00
• Table dance: $30.00
• Another round of drinks: $23.00
• Couch dance and tips: $50.00
• A round of shots: $34.00
• A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: $125.00
• Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
• Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: Priceless  

Jury Duty

A man chosen for jury duty very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse, but none of them worked. On the first day, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit, with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I said, "He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty." "So I could not possibly be on this jury." "Get back in the jury box," the judge replied. "You're just the kind of juror we are looking for --- a good judge of character. That man is his lawyer."