Apple iFart

Q: Why shouldn't you fart in an Apple Store?
A: They don't have Windows.

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

Doesn't it annoy you when

• ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
• ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
• ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
• ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
• ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
• ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
• ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
• ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
• ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
• ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
• ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
• ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
• ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
• ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
• ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Dear Ann Dilemma

Dear Ann,
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?