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The best jokes and joke writers!

Computer Issues

  1. Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
  2. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
  3. Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."
  4. At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.
  5. At Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
  6. The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
  7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
  8. Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually. Computers make some people paranoid.
  9. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
  10. These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
  11. There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.

Bill Gates Hard Drive

Q: Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?

A: He's renaming it MICROHARD.

PC Pot

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug.

Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

  • Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
  • Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
  • Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers

Things You Don't Want Your System Admin To Say

  1. Uh-oh...
  2. Oh S***!
  3. What the heck?!?
  4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
  5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
  6. Wow!! Look at this...
  7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
  8. Terminated?!?
  9. What software license?!?
  10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
  11. Wow...that seemed fast...
  12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
  13. Management says...
  14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
  15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
  16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
  17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
  18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
  19. Where's the DIR command?
  20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
  21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
  22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
  23. Do you smell something?
  24. What's that grinding sound?
  25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
  26. I don't think it should be doing that...
  27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
  28. You might as well all go home early today...
  29. My leave starts tomorrow.
  30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
  31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
  32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
  33. Hmmm, curious...
  34. Well, MY files were backed up.
  35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
  36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
  37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
  38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
  39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
  40. We're standardizing on AIX.
  41. Wonder what THIS command does?
  42. What did you say your user name was?