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The best jokes and joke writers!

Duck Duck...Computer?

Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?

A: A quackintosh.

Lawyers vs Computers

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is A Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Some Whimsical Sayings

  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
  • There 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  • A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  • For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  • I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  • Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  • I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  • Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
  • If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  • Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  • If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  • It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  • Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
  • Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  • Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  • Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  • Dain bramaged.
  • Department of Redundancy Department
  • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWLC:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN<-------- The information went data way -------->Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  • The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  • The name is Baud...... James Baud.
  • Access denied--nah nah na na

Redneck Computer Terms

  • Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
  • Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
  • Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
  • Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
  • Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
  • Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
  • Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
  • Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
  • Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
  • Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
  • Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
  • Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
  • Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
  • Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
  • Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
  • Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
  • Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
  • Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
  • Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
  • Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
  • Rom - Where the pope lives.
  • Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
  • Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
  • Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
  • Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.