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Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

  • Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
  • Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
  • Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers

Microsoft Market Penetration

Microsoft Market Penetration

INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of life. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff. 

OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION - Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam). Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."

Bill Gates Hard Drive

Q: Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?

A: He's renaming it MICROHARD.

More Computer Viruses

Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New Password

I changed my password to "incorrect" 

Now when I type it wrong my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"