Technology Jokes - Computer Jokes
Some Whimsical Sayings
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
- There 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
- Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
- A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
- Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
- Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
- Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
- Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
- Dain bramaged.
- Department of Redundancy Department
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWLC:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN<-------- The information went data way -------->Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
- The name is Baud...... James Baud.
- Access denied--nah nah na na
Software Development Process
Software Development Process
- Order the T-shirts for the Development team
- Announce availability
- Write the code
- Write the manual
- Hire a Product Manager
- Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
- Ship
- Test (the customers are a big help here)
- Identify bugs as potential enhancements
- Announce the upgrade program
PC Pot
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug.
Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
- Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers
Microsoft Market Penetration
Microsoft Market Penetration
INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 - Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of life. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION - Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam). Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."
