A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"
A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
Lawyer Hunting Regulations
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS: Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200
- Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
- Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
- Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
- It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
- It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
- If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
- Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
- It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
- Yellow Bellied Sidewinder...........(2)
- Two-faced Tort Feasor...............(1)
- Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator.....(4)
- Small-breasted Ball Buster..........(3) (Female only)
- Big-mouthed Pub Gut.................(2)
- Honest Attorney.....................(0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
- Back-stabbing Whiner................(2)
- Brown-nosed Judge Kisser............(2)
- Silver-tongued Drug Dealer Defender.......($100 BOUNTY)
Deer Hunters in L.A.
Q: Where in L.A. can a deer hunter find does in season year round?
A: Venison Beach
The Two Hunters
Two hunters were hunting one day when one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn't know what to do, so he called 911. When the operator answered the hunter told them that his hunting partner was dead.
The operator said, "Calm down, and make sure your partner is dead."
All of a sudden there was a gunshot. The hunter got back on the phone and said, "Okay, he's dead for sure."