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The best jokes and joke writers!

Fast Thinking

An elderly  man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for  several years. He had  a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped  for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and  peach trees. One  evening the old farmer decided to go down to the  pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and  look it over.

He  grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some  fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard  voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he  came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young  women skinny-dipping in his  pond.

He  made the women aware of his presence and they  all went to the deep end. One of  the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out  until you leave!' The old man  frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the  pond naked.' Holding  the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the  alligator...'

Some old men can still think  fast..

Muldoon's Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death, but, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

Sure I Can

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire - I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape - I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow." "Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

The Virgin And The Farmer Boy

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before. She asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says: "They're making love." "Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked. "Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered. "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, okay, I got it. "As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?!" he shouts. The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"

Cowboy Talks To Animals

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"