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The best jokes and joke writers!

Horse Play

An unconscious man arrives at a hospital. After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus.

The doctors have declared his condition as "stable".

Simple Answer

In one Intensive Care Unit patients always died in the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had their camera phones set to video the event. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened , then housekeeping came in, disconnected the power cord from life support and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

Hunting Accident

A guy is out hunting. He stops to pee, leans his weapon against a tree and….just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter. “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well I guess that isn't too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

Doctor's Notes

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Rude Doctor!

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.  They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.  Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.  "Mr. Jones?",  the doctor asks.  "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"  The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."  "Oh my God", says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"  "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."   Mr. Jones begins to sob.  "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."  Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course", the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."  Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, and wails.  The doctor continues, "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."  Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. 

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just messing with you, dude.  You don't have to do all that stuff.  She's dead!"