Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
Real V Fake
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Rules of Belfast
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving. Late Sunday evening, he was found in tree by a farmer. "What happened," asked the farmer. Liam replied that his parachute failed to open. "Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you that nothing opens here on a Sunday."
Hidden in the Attic
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider. "Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors." The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly." "Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
The Young Priest Learns the Ropes
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. "Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."