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The best jokes and joke writers!

Brothel Sign

Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.

Eat Now

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

Real Classified Ads 1

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700

VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK + BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

65 Bumper Stickers

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

  1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
  2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
  3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
  4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
  5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
  6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
  7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
  8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
  9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
  10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
  11. If At First You Don't Succeed… blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
  12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
  13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
  14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
  15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
  16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
  17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
  18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
  19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha.
  20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
  21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
  22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
  23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
  24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
  25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
  26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
  27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
  28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
  29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
  30.  I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
  31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
  32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
  33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
  34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
  35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
  37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
  39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
  40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
  41. Ax Me About Ebonics.
  42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
  43. Boldly Going Nowhere.
  44. Cat: The Other White Meat.
  45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
  46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
  47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
  48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
  49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
  50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
  51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
  52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
  53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
  54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
  55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
  56.  Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  60. So you're a feminist…I sn't that precious.
  61. I need someone really bad… Are you really bad?
  62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Signs and Notices 02

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.