A nun was walking down the corridor when suddenly she trips up.
She yells out in pain, "Oh Christ! Oh God, I said Christ! Oh shit, I said God! Oh, fuck, I said shit! Oh, who wants to be a fucking nun anyway?"
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception. "William, what are those women doing leaning against lamp posts?" "Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time." "Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately it distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached the organist and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest walked up to the pulpit and said..."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer candles!
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"