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Signs And Notices Around England

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

  • Sign in a Laundromat; Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
  • Sign in a London department store: Bargain Basement upstairs.
  • In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.
  • Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag DIY.
  • In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  • On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is to be kept locked because of the draft, please use side entry.)
  • Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
  • Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Real News Headlines 03

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash

Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Classified Funny Ads

  • Include your children when baking cookies!
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
  • Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
  • A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
  • Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  • For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
  • Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  • Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
  • We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
  • No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
  • For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  • Great Dames for sale.
  • Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
  • Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
  • 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
  • If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
  • Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
  • The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
  • Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
  • Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
  • Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
  • Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  • Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
  • We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
  • This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
  • For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
  • For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
  • Man, honest. Will take anything.
  • Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
  • Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  • Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
  • Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
  • Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
  • Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
  • Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
  • 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
  • Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
  • Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
  • Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
  • See ladies blouses. 50% off!
  • Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
  • Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  • Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  • Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  • Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
  • Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
  • And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
  • We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

  • Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
  • Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
  • Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
  • The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
  • Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
  • Were you alone or by yourself?
  • Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
  • Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
  • Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  • Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
  • Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
  • Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
  • Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
  • So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
  • Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
  • A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
  • Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country:

  • Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us (Holland Sentinal, date unknown) 
  • Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut (The New York Times, November 22) 
  • Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find (The Los Angeles Times, November 2)
  • 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories (Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30)
  • Alcohol ads promote drinking (The Hartford Courant, November 18)
  • Malls try to attract shoppers (The Baltimore Sun, October 22)
  • Official: Only rain will cure drought (The Herald-News. Westpost, Massachusetts)
  • Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men (The Sunday Oregonian, September 24)
  • Low Wages Said Key to Poverty (Newsday, July 11)