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The best jokes and joke writers!

Alaska Tourism Warning

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

100's of Bumper Stickers

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"All generalizations are false."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"REHAB is for quitters"

"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"E. coli Happens"

"Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Towers will be violated"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"

"I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m."

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let friends drive naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

"No Radio - Already Stolen"

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Assassins do it from behind!"

"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

"LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"

"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

"I is a college student."

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."

"We're staying together for the sake of the cats."

"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."

"My karma ran over your dogma."

"I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."

"Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."

"Welcome to Texas, now go home."

"Life's too short to dance with ugly men."

"Life's too short to dance with ugly women."

"My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her."

"Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."

"Will Rogers never met a lawyer."

"Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."

"Don't steal. The government hates competition."

"Is there life before coffee?"

"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

"The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

"I Cayman went."

"My other wife is beautiful."

"I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"

"Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."

"Geez if you belive in honkus."

"Save California; when you leave take someone with you."

"I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."

"There's one in every crowd and they always find me."

"If money could talk, it would say goodbye."

"When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."

"Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."

"If it's too loud, you're too old."

"The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

"Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

"Who cares who's on board?"

"Die Yuppie Scum."

"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."

"Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."

"Women make great leaders. You're following one now."

"Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."

"Exxon Suxx."

"Honk if you love cheeses."

"Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."

"I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."

"So many pedestrians, so little time."

Bumper Stickers

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

Media Ads

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on the phone you hear a radio station?

Blonde - Biscuits

Actual Associated Press article:

Linda Burnett, 23, in San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And yes, Linda is a blonde.