True Believers

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said, "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hypocrites are gone."

Monahan in a Saloon

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

Trapped On A Rock

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat. The man on the boat asks  'do you want any help?' Man on the rock replies  'no, the Lord will save me' so then the man on the boat went away.  A helicopter then came and asked him 'do you want any help?' The man replied 'no the Lord will save me!' Then along comes another man on a boat and asks 'do you want any help?' and he said 'no, the Lord will save me'. By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter 'why didn't the Lord save me????' St.Peter said' he sent you 2 boats and a helicopter, what more do you want!?'