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The best jokes and joke writers!

Vasectomy

I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But all it did was change the color of the baby.

Nice Save

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Nag Nag Nag!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.  When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night,  he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.  Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."  Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.  Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

His Last Wishes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral ' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Lottery Winner

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery. He asked her, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?" The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"