A retired Army sniper decides to buy a new scope for his hunting rifle. He goes to a gun store and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a new Trijicon AccuPoint scope mounted on a Savage BA Stealth 308 rifle and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the rifle from the man and looks through the scope at his house. Then he hands two .308 cartridges to the former Army sniper and says, "I'll give you this scope and $10,000 cash if you load those two cartridges, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
Wife vs Job
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
2AM Police Stop
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Fifty Shades of Golf
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. She's been reading '50 Shades of Grey' and the room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want. So, here I am!"
One day, a blonde left work early to go home and surprise her husband with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my surprise." When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She looked in and saw her husband humping her sister. She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream. Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don't do it!" The blonde screamed, "Shut up asshole, you're next!"