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The best jokes and joke writers!

Looking Younger

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,..."Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying..."WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"

Made for Each Other

A friend of mine had told me he signed up with one of these on-line dating services.  So, I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife!

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. 

You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. 

Coffee never runs out. 

No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 

When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

White men can take black coffee home to their parents. 

Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. 

You can always heat up coffee. 

Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. 

If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Holiday Worry

I'm worried about the holidays. I haven't spoken to my wife for 9 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Sister and Priest

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right... get up and get your own damn blanket!