Relationship Jokes - Man Criticizes Woman

1. Silence, the Final Frontier - Where no woman has gone before.  
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking - How to make deposits.  
3. Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.  
4. Dieting Ethics - Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.  
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.  
6. Party Attire Reuse - An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.  
7. Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.  
8. Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.  
9. Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.  
10. Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.  
11. Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.  
12. What he Really Wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.  
13. Driving a Car Safely - A skill you can also acquire.  
14. Party Ethics - Real women drink their share at a party.  
15. Telephones - How to hang up.  
16. Parking - Beginners Course.  
17. Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.  
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.  
19. Managing Your Weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.  
20. Learning to Cook I - Bran in not food.  
21. Learning to Cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.  
23. PMS - Your problem, not his.

Girls find it creepy that I have sex in the same bed my grandma died in.

I mean, I'll move her once I've saved enough for a funeral.

Q:  What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?

A:  You can negotiate with the terrorist.

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" 

• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = PMS again.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain.
• I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: 

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.
• "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.