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The best jokes and joke writers!

Young Gentleman

The young gentleman took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

Subjects For a Date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

  • All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
  • Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
  • Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
  • You get a Dear John E-mail... Your name is Fred.
  • They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
  • She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
  • She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think it's a professional job, it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom.
  • During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

Bad Date Signs!

  • Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
  • You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
  • She has a thicker mustache than you.
  • When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
  • You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
  • Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
  • You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
  • At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
  • She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
  • You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
  • At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
  • She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.
  • She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.
  • She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.
  • She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

Memory Tricks

Asked my girlfriend about the biggest erection she'd ever seen.

She had to think long and hard.